clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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