I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize