my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
