What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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