he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
