Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
