I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
