i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
