I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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