Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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