WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
