Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
