that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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