According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
