See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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