U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
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