I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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