i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
