took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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