Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
