yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
