so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
