I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
