She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
