we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
