cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
