at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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