so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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