gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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