oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
And then my night got REAL pukey
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
