Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just had sex on a roof
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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