When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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