There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
