Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
