she was so not down for the gang bang
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
