Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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