I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
