Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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