my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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