Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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