if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize