Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
