I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
