I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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