my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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