I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
