ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
