I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
