Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize