He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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