We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
