Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just pee around me
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
