Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
