How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
