her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
